You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
