I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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