hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
