i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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