Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
