The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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