my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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