Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
