i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
