I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
