He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
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