four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My legs feel like baby dolphins
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
