Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
