You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
