My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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