he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
