you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
