Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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