Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
