The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
