i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
