she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
