Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
