I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
