i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
you had me at cake vodka
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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