We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
