she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
