What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It's like God shit irony all over that family
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
