ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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