I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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