Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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