How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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