I met the friendliest cop last night
i was born a porn star she said
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
