Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
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