You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
