Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
