I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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