i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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