Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
