We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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