i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Randomize
