I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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