Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Text me some of your sweat
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
