and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
the raccoons are back...
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