why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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