He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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