and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
