when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
