Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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