I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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